A small incident, an uncomfortable reaction, and another experiment in understanding power
I had an interesting interaction today.
Interesting not because something extraordinary happened, but because of what the interaction exposed in me.
I called an official regarding a vendor payment. It should have been a routine professional conversation. I wanted some information and expected either an answer or a discussion about the issue.
Instead, the conversation unexpectedly became aggressive.
I couldn’t immediately understand why.
Rather than answering what I had asked, the person responded with hostility. Somewhere during that exchange, I felt that I had lost control of the conversation.
And that bothered me.
I wasn’t angry. But I was affected.
I didn’t go livid with anger.
Externally, things remained reasonably controlled.
Internally, however, the interaction mattered.
I felt insulted.
More importantly, I felt not in control.
And this is an uncomfortable feeling for me because I have been spending considerable time studying power—how it operates, how people exercise it, how authority works, and how I respond when confronted with it.
I call myself a student of power.
So this little interaction became unexpectedly valuable.
It showed me one of my vulnerabilities.
One question changed the frame
At some point during the conversation, he asked me something along the lines of:
“What is your interest in discussing this matter?”
That question affected me more than it should have.
Because I bought the frame.
The question subtly suggested that I must have some personal or hidden interest in the matter.
And instead of questioning that assumption, I started operating inside it.
That was the mistake.
Looking back, there were several perfectly reasonable responses available to me.
I could simply have asked:
“What do you think my interest is?”
That would have returned the assumption to the person making it.
Or I could have said:
“My interest is the bank’s interest.”
And continued with the actual issue.
Instead, I sank into his discourse.
Suddenly, I was psychologically defending myself against an allegation that hadn’t even properly been made.
That is fascinating to observe.
A few words changed the frame of the conversation, and instead of rejecting the frame, I accepted it.
Or was I already subtly thinking about the frame myself?
Perhaps that is why I subsequently felt that I had lost control.
I keep returning to the original conversation.
I keep wondering what I could have done to stay in control.
The interaction has passed, but my desire for power and control persists. And because I cannot do anything about what has already happened, it hurts even more.
I am either unable or not yet ready to accept the outcome of the conversation.
It brings me back once again to the lessons of the Enchiridion.
- Watch your judgments: Events themselves do not always disturb us. Much of our distress comes from the meaning and judgment we attach to those events. Before reacting, examine the story you are telling yourself.
Compartmentalisation
I have been exploring the idea of compartmentalisation.
I understand the concept intellectually.
Something happens. Deal with it. Extract whatever needs to be extracted from it. Put it in its compartment. Return to the task in front of you.
I am not particularly good at it yet.
These days, I am a work in progress.
Externally, I can continue working. Internally, there is spillover.
A conversation that ended at 5 PM can still continue inside my head for hours.
A student of power gets tested
This incident matters to me precisely because I have been studying power.
It is easy to read about power while sitting comfortably with a book.
Then someone unexpectedly asks:
“What is your interest?”
And suddenly, you react.
In my case, I discovered that an unexpected accusation—or even the suggestion of one—can pull me into the other person’s frame.
That’s useful information.
Not flattering data.
But useful.
I have taken mental note
Of the incident.
And of the person.
Next time someone questions my motives, I don’t necessarily need to defend them immediately.
I can examine the premise.
What exactly are you suggesting?
What do you think my interest is?
Or simply:
My interest is the organisation’s interest. Now, coming back to the issue…
That small pause might completely change the interaction.
And the experiment continues
Mental note taken.
Incident recorded.
Vulnerability identified.