I am constantly thinking about the fact that I am observing myself.
I have now embodied mindfulness. This feeling at times feel worthless but extremely useful. I have no idea why this embodied mindfulness feels worthless and useful at the same time. Maybe because mindfulness is not directly helping me to improve my Branch performance.
I am on radar. Expectations are too many and I am not able to meet it. I am good with people, but I am not good with managing expectations. My approach – and it still is – tell others what they want to hear so that they will feel good. Forget whether it works on not.
This is how I have dug my grave. I have to be totally honest. Mindfulness has helped me become aware of it.
Last week I suffered from in total 5 open loops which created tremendous mental pressure. To an extent where my smoking became primary way to deal with this pressure. This also was the reason why I was open to drinking after 3 month fast. And I finally broke my fast.
Alcohol has not really helped me ever. Smoking at least feels like improving my mood momentarily. I can think of multiple things when I smoke. Drinking is a complete waste of time and money.
So I observed myself. Brainstormed rigorously with ChatGPT and built a simple template to deal with day to day tasks. In this week my actions are in order. I have not consumed alcohol. I have to mention it though I am not really inclined to drink. At office I had faced problems because I had no ability to track tasks. To tell you truth, I really did not care. Tell people what they want to hear and forget it. This was my approach to work. And so I created too many open loops and customer follow up made my life miserable. This is how I have learned to care about customers and I had to adopt a task manager. Previously I used to make a note in ‘Notion’. I found it stupid. I am usually paper and pen person, so I built a template with ChatGPT and printed it out.
I have reached to a point where I feel I am enough. I do not need to do anything to prove myself or anyone anything. I don’t have to buy a house, buy camera, buy a car or a Royal Enfield, or Gold or anything. I don’t have to do anything to prove that I am good enough.
Mindfulness has brought me to a realization that I am enough. But this dramatic shift in me cannot be exercised professionally. Professionally I still care about my numbers, which are tremendously in red. I care about my image and how I am being portrayed to higher management. As my mind is moving from ambition to sustainability – I cannot change my job position quickly where ambition is the core requirement. Threats are becoming personal and common. At times I assure myself that I am enough but then in a meeting my foundation destabilizes.
Intensity at this stage is my enemy. So I have mindfully chosen to stay away from intensity. Sustainability over intensity. System over rush – this is what my plan is. I have few more weeks to go. In an overview I know that there is no uncertainty in my life. But for some reason my mind constantly seeks uncertainty and the pressure that goes along with it.
This is conditioning I am dealing with.
My workout has stalled. See how a simple pressure and stress clearly impacts physical health. Last week, I was too occupied with open loops to an extent where I picked up headaches. Pressure resulted in excess smoking and ignoring meals. Emoting is not working but I felt I worked hard. I did not. I spent days emoting over things which could have managed with 5 minute phone call, which I ultimately did and resolved issue for time being. Excessive smoking and sporadic eating resulted in energy crash. No sleep. That resulted in tiredness and I preferred to come home instead of workout.
Sleep – poor sleep resulted in continuous cycle. I have not worked out now for a week. If not worked out I will be destroying this week too.
Last week I learned few things:
- Open loops are problematic. So deal, delegate or communicate. Not to keep things hanging.
- Have a systemic template to deal with daily tasks
- Work meaningfully. Though your seniors may not care about your efforts.
- See whether your ‘work hard’ is actually working hard or you are emoting about it
- Stay mindful
- Pivot quickly
- Take action
I need to bring my life on track this week. First in line is – to workout.
I need to continue to address my weekly 3 goals:
- Workout 3 times a week
- Trek once a week with 10Kg rucksack
- No alcohol