Last week, I failed on multiple fronts.
My usual goal is to work out three times a week. I managed only once.
My goal is to trek once a week. I didn’t complete the trek because I was travelling.
But the real reason I felt I was losing was something else — open loops.
Two weeks ago, I created open loops that I did not bring to conclusion. Not because of incompetence. Not because I was unavailable. But because of simple inaction. I took things too lightly. I behaved like a cat that closes her eyes and assumes the danger disappears just because she cannot see it.
Of course, my inaction caught up with me. Tasks, along with customers, started haunting me.
Complication is my kryptonite. As the open loops became complicated, I feared them and chose to abandon them. My actual approach should have been to deal with them. Instead, I worsened the situation by avoiding them. Now I was mentally running away from something that was completely inevitable.
The result? A preoccupied mind. Drained energy. Increased smoking. Opening the door to alcohol. These were escape mechanisms I thought would soften the issue.
Ryan Holiday writes, “Emoting is not working.” It’s true. But emoting feels like hard work.
Stretched tasks led to uncomfortable conversations with customers. My attempt to magically “fix” the situation failed. The energy drain collapsed my evening workouts. Stress ruined my sleep. Even magnesium — which usually knocks me out — didn’t help. Smoking turned out to be the worst possible solution.
At that point, I had to return to my desk and rethink everything.
Health is my indicator. Poor sleep, drained energy, alcohol consumption — these were signals. Survival comes first.
I arrived at a simple conclusion: instead of hiding and wishing the problem would disappear, there was only one uncomfortable path — DEAL WITH IT.
That meant proactively calling customers and renegotiating timelines. Or speeding up the process and enduring their frustration. And where I had not acted at all — simply act.
I was still avoiding. But I knew the path was through the fire.
While driving, without overthinking, I called two customers. I apologised for the delay. I gave them realistic timelines. I silently listened to their response. They agreed. I ended the call.
The third customer was harder. I hesitated. Then he called me. I went into overthinking and guilt mode. His call rang and ended.
“Fuck it,” I said.
I called him back. Prepared for the worst. Apologised again. Renegotiated. He agreed. Call ended.
The fourth customer was the most difficult. With the others, I could hide behind the phone. This one was physically present — returning to the office three times a day like a ghost. I felt irritated. But should I be irritated? I was the one who created the expectation.
I am a chronic people pleaser.
I realised I create self-sabotaging situations by committing to empathy and others’ expectations instead of reality. I have read too many leadership books where leaders bend reality to their will. I struggle with that. Maybe I am not that leader. Or maybe my reality is different from the leaders I read about.
The in-person conversation was hard. He wanted clarity. I had been offering false comfort. I had to face my truth. I apologised again. Renegotiated the timeline. Let him respond. And closed it.
The fog in my head lifted. The weight on my chest disappeared. I had felt claustrophobic. Now I could breathe again.
I created a daily task template. This week, I am committed to it.
Yesterday, I discovered another open loop. I immediately acted. The issue isn’t fully resolved yet — but it’s no longer pending with me.
I can still identify three open loops that have not yet turned into ghosts. I must deal with them this week so I can sleep peacefully.
When I joined the bank, some senior employees would always double-check and tally cash before leaving. They said it gave them peace of mind and restful sleep. I never understood it deeply.
Now I do.
My main goals this week:
- Follow the task template
- Communicate quickly
- Retain energy
- Reduce self-inflicted stress
- Bring my weekly goals back on track
This week is not about ambition.
It is about closure.